


You know what they say...

by LuanaMel



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-07-14 01:49:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 16,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16030493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuanaMel/pseuds/LuanaMel
Summary: Basically Magnus and Alec as exes who are really good friends now but you know what they say......if you're stll close with your Ex you either were never really in love with them or still are.Also some Jace/Clary and Simon/Izzy on the sideI do not own the characters or settings at all and I am only creating this story for entertainment purposes.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I have never written fanfiction before, English is not my first language and i do not have a beta reader. That being said, i really hope you stick around and see where this goes, some feedback would be very much appreciated. :)

1.

_Maybe Jace did have a point._

_Maybe he should start getting his life together._

After all, Alec was 27 years old and everything but his carreer was a total trainwreck. With his "major issues", as his friends like to call them, he proves to be completely unable to make a relationship last. And even while he's screwing his way through NYC, somehow he ends up at his ex-boyfriend's bar almost every single night. If he's being completel honest with himself, he doesn't "somehow" end up there. Their relationship, which lastet about 10 months, 5 years ago, was the longest and most honest relationship he's ever been in. Magnus was probablythe only one he ever really loved. 

But he was young. Too young.

At 22, Alec thought he should focus on college and his carreer. To this day a little part of him is convinced that he is just telling himself that to not let things get too serious, but he's done a great job so far ignoring that. And it worked.

Still, whoever said exes can't be friends was wrong. Alec considered Magnus one of his closest friends, which is also the reason he is sitting across from him at the bar at this very moment, ranting about his conversation with Jace earlier today.

"I mean...I'm not mad. Jace is not wrong. My life is a mess."

Magnus lets out a small laugh, "You're life is far from what i would call 'a mess'". He refills Alec's Long Island Iced tea and puts his phone down. "You're a junior editor for New York Magazine, that sounds like you got your life pretty damn well sorted out, ask anyone."

"I've also been perpetually single, my boss hates me and i still live with my college roommate because inbetween work and belittling myself, I cannot find the time to go look for a place on my own."

Uo until a couple months ago, Alec had no problem living with with Simon, his roommate since college. He was cool, stayed out of his business, and he just gets him. Simon was there when his little brother died, his father practically disowned and abandoned him and he and Magnus broke up, which Alec was really thankful for. Anyway, since Simon started dating Izzy, Alec's younger sister, who apparently forgot that she has a very nice appartement, considering how much time she spends at theirs, Alec tries to be away from home as often as possible. The sound of Magnus speaking pulled him out of his thoughts.

"Still, you're life could be worse. Fine, this weekend we'll go look at appartments, you and me. I'll find you something."

Alec looked at Magnus and was about to happily agree, he could really use the help, when his phone vibrated in his pocket.

"Oh fuck.", Alec said while looking at the text he just received,"I forgot i'm supposed to go tasting cakes with Jace this weekend."

Maybe any other person would be happy that their brother is getting married, Alec is not. To be specific, he does not dislike the fact that Jace is getting married, he just dislikesthe person Jace had become while planning the wedding. All high and mighty, always giving life advice no one asked for. Alec could not think of a more annoying person then pre-wedding Jace.

"Great. Now i really have something to look forward to.", Alec said under his breath in a sarcastic tone while rolling his eyes. Before he could say anything else, he feels a hand on his shoulder.

"Well, looks like somebody is looking forward to his weekend.", as he turns around he sees Mariah winking and laughing at him before walking across the bar, kisses Magnus' cheek and turns to leave through the backdoor. "I gotta head out to my sister's, i'll be at your place at around 8pm"

Magnus responds with a fond smile on his face "Alright, see you then! Love you."

"Love you too, Bye.", she turns to look at Alec, "Bye Alec! At least try and enjoy the cake.".

"Bye Mariah!" Alec shouts after her with a laugh.

Mariah was the girl Magnus has been for over a year now. She is one of the funniest and genuinely nicest people Alec had ever met. She and Magnus are a really good match, they make each other quite happy. Alec really cannot think of a better person for Magnus at this point. His train of thought gets interrupted by Magnus slamming his hand on the counter of the bar.

"Okay listen, after you're done cake testing, text me and we'll go appartment hunting."

"Yeah alright, sounds doable."

After another half hour of senseless talking, Alec heads home, hoping he'll be not walking into his sister in his own bathroom and with a little excitement when he thinks about going appartment hunting with Magnus in 3 days.


	2. 2.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I will switch the POV during this chapter
> 
> This set a couple hours after Alec left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the comments on the first chapter, i really hope you'll continue reading and enjoying this fic :)  
> This chapter is mainly Magnus/Mariah, just to get to know her a little bit, it's short and a Alec/Magnus centric chapter will come later today, don't worry! :))  
> Also as always - i wrote this in kind of a hurry and didn't spell check or time check - please be kind. :D

2.

**Magnus POV**

 

He just closed down the bar and was walking through the streets since his appartment was not that far anyway. While he was walking he was paying less attention to the all the people he almost runs into if it weren't for them getting out of his way on time, and more to his phone. He was scrolling through real estate offers and try to find a few appartments that fit to Alec.

Alec was a simple guy. He'd be content with a studio appartment somewhere in the middle of nowhere. As long as he has a bed and wifi, you will not see Alec complain. And that's exactly why Magnus offered to go with him in the first place. Alec deserved better than that and honestly, knowing what's in his bank account, he should want better than that too.

By the time he arrived at his front door he found about 4 different appartments that should be fine. Happy with his findings he turned the key in the lock, opened the door and stepped into his appartment, where he was greeted with the smell of probably the best cherry pie in New York City. He thanked the universe everyday that he was dating a pastry chef.

He walked towards the kitchen with a smile on his face when Mariah already walked towards him, pie in her hands, laughing.

"Oh i know that face. That's your special smile that i somehow only get out of you when i make you desserts", she smiles at him and Magnus leans in to give her a kiss, "Hey if you don't have a special smile for your desserts then i think you're the weird one.", They laugh and settle down onto the sofa.

While Magnus was already on his piece of pie, Mariah turned on the lamp on the side table and put her feet onto the coffee table.

"So, how was the rest of your shift?"

"Normal. Oh, I'm going appartment hunting with Alec on saturday, you wanna come?"

"Simon and Izzy finally annoyed him out of his own appartment, huh?", she lets out a laugh, "I would have done that the minute she walked in with a toothbrush for the first time."

Magnus just laughed and nodded in agreement.

"And as much as i would love to see the most indeceissive person on the planet try to pick a place to live, i can't come along. I have this seminar this weekend, remember?"

"Oh damn, yeah i remember. How late will you be back on sunday?"

"Not that late. Around 5pm I suppose.", Mariah got up to bring the already empty plate back into the kitchen.

"Okay, i'll pick you up fromt the airport and take you some place nice" Magnus winked at her while following her into the kitchen, taking the plate out of her hand and picking her up so she sits on the kitchen counter.

Mariah just laughed into the kiss he gave her, puts her hands on the sides of his face and kissed his nose right before she lets out a yawn. 

"Someone seems tired. I got it." Magnus picks her up and carried her into the bedroom, letting her down onto the bed and kissing her goodnight.

"Oh boy what would i do without you?"

"Mhm probably walk to bed like everybody else?". He doesn't hear her response anymore since she was already half asleep, he turned around and closed the door, walking back into the kitchen to make himself some tea.

When Mariah came into his life over a year ago he would have never thought that they would end up dating. They are so similar, he would have never that it'd work out but here they are, in a healthy, stable relationship. Magnus has more issues and problems that he can count but she never judges him for any of that, always calls him out on his bullshit and supports him in any way. On top of that she never had problem with Magnus and Alec being exes and still close, nor with the fact that he works a lot.

Magnus scrolled trough some more appartment offers and then went to bed as well.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, no alec in this one, but the next one will be Alec and Magnus interacting and we're finally getting somewhere.  
> I just wanted to write a little about Mariah because the she is in my head, i really like her, and i think i found a way where her story is gonna go in this fic so stay tuned, please leave some comments/speculations/criticism on the comments, and thanks for reading!! :)


	3. 3.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am still bad at summaries  
> Cake testing - anxiety - appartment hunting - making plans  
> I guess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always - excuse my grammar and/or time related mistakes  
> I hope you still like reading and will enjoy this chapter :)

3.

  
  
**Alec POV**  
  
The rest of the week went by as a blur. Nothing but work, work, work and stopping by at Magnus' bar on thursday to, once again, rant about Jace and everything else that was bothering him at the moment.  
  
Getting out of bed on saturday morning was already way too much work, mainly because he had no idea where the hell he was. Waking up in some strangers bed wasn't something that's new to Alec, still, it was something he tried to prevent from happening by normally leaving right after sex or by simply not going to anybody's place at all. How he ended up staying over here? He doesn't know. What the hell this guy's name was? No idea. All he knew was that he was probably already late to the cake testing, he could tell by looking out of the window and the way the sun stood over the city. A quick look on his phone confirmed his theory and he went to gather up his things, put his clothes on from the day before and left.  
  
Before ringing the doorbell at his parent's house, he checks his appearance in his phonescreen, considering he hasn't done that yet, only to see that his hair was messier than usual and he looks immensely tired. Not to mention he's still wearing the clothes from last night. Great. He cannot wait to hear Jace's judgemental tone when asking why he's late and where he's been.  
  
With a sigh he rings the doorbell and is almost immediately greeted with his sisters smile.  
   
"There you are", she hugs him tight and pulls him inside, "little heads up - jace is a bit on edge"  
Alec rolled his eyes. Great. So it'll be even worse than expected. "Awesome."  
  
After walking into the dining room and greeting everybody with the exception of his father, who started to ignore his existence as much as he could, and actually taste testing some cakes without anyone asking him literally anything, Jace turns to finally talk to him, "what took you so long?" The question wasn't meant to insinuate anything, he sounded genuinely interested. Still, Alec didn't trust this. Izzy said he's on edge and what they're currently doing is wedding related so Jace wouldn't care about anything else. So Alec decided to not give into it and keep it short.  
  
"Didn't sleep well, overslept, sorry."  
  
"Didn't sleep well or didn't sleep much?" Simon wiggled his eyebrows in a quite suggestive way which made Alec cringe and roll his eyes at the same time. Clary and Izzy who heard the comment on their side of the table just laughed and continued with their conversation.  
  
"Ah. Okay. Well everyone has different priorietes i guess." Jace said under his breath and Alec was about to combust. He was so close to let out all his built up anger rooting in Jace's dismissive and judgemental behaviour. But he held himself back, gave Jace a smile instead and excused himself to the bathroom.  
  
With his hands on the sink and his head hanging low, Alec had a hard time keeping it together all of a sudden.  
Being completely exhausted, tired and at the edge of a breakdown and/or panik attack was nothing new to Alec, had it since he was a child, but nothing like that happened to him in a couple years.  
Before even one silent tear falls on his cheecks, he splashes some cold water in his face, trying to clear his head.  
What does he normally do when he needs to clear his head? When everything simply gets too much?  
Magnus.  
  
Alec pulls out his phone and for a second he is debating on wheter or not calling Magnus right now is the right idea. The he remembers he was supposed to let him know when to pick him up anyway and all doubt is falling out the window.  
  
"Hey, you're already done?"  
  
Hearing Magnus' voice immediately calms Alec down and he feels like he can breathe again.  
  
"Uhm, yeah almost. Will be by the time you're here" Alec says, trying to make his voice sound as steady as possible.  
  
"All right, I'll get going. See you then."  
  
"Okay. Wait, Magnus?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
Alec debated on wether or not he should tell him to hurry up, he really needed to get out of here. But that may raise too many questions and questions are on the top 5 list of things Alec tries to avoid right now.  
  
"Uh nothing, it's alright. See you" and with that he just hangs up.  
  
As he walks out he already grabs his jacket and before his mother can say something he cut her off  
"I'm sorry i gotta go. Work. I gotta have this done by monday or my boss will kill me, i completely forgot about it."  
  
"Are you sure it's that urgent honey?" The concern in his mother's voice almost makes him wanna break down right then and there. After all, she was the only person who even knows he deals with anxitey and helped him through this several times.  
He walks over to her and gives her a quick peck on her cheek.  
"I'm afraid it is. I'm sorry." and almost inaudible, only meant to be heard by his mother, he adds "I'm okay. Don't worry."  
And with that he nods to the group sitting at the dining room table and leaves.  
  
Apparently Alec spend more time after that phone call in the bathroom than he thought because right as he stepped outside the front door, magnus pulled up on the opposite side of the street.  
  
___________________________  
  
   
  
"You were there for maybe an hour, that was quite a fast cake testing"  
  
When Alec doesn't answer Magnus picks up that maybe the cake testing being over wasn't quite the reason Alec left so early. Listening to Alec's rants the last few nights and knowing how Alec tends to shut down as soon as you want to talk to him, Magnus quickly changed the topic.  
  
"Knowing you, i went ahead and pulled together some apartments to look at that would be great for you."  
  
Alec couldn't help but laugh at that. Yeah Alec maybe said he wanted to move out but actually doing something about it? That's a completely different thing.  
  
"Yeah...thank you"  
  
Magnus saw Alec looking down and...was he blushing?  
  
"Are you blushing? Oh come on it's not like that's the first time we established that you would crash and burn without me"  
  
Alec was laughing again, this time louder while looking over at Magnus.  
He looked at Alec with a 'just joking' expression on his face. Not that that was needed, but it sure as hell was appreciated.  
  
They arrived at the first appartment building and Alec tried to figure out where they were, considering he didn't really pay attention to where they were driving while they were in the car.  
To his surprise they were in Brooklyn, not too far from Magnus' appartment and even closer to his bar.  
  
"Well i hear there's a pretty great bar no too far from here so that's good" Magnus smirks back at Alec while he says it and walka towards the buidling.   
  
After a quick meeting with the landlord they get the keys and head to the elevators. 

The appartment is on the 8th floor of a 10 story building so Stairs were not an option, Alec refused to do more than necessary today. 

The appartment is not huge but it's bigger than the one he's sharing now with Simon. It has two bathrooms and 3 bedrooms, a big build in kitchen and a great balcony. And the price is honestly amazing for this kind of living space. 

"The only problem is i don't have that many stuff. It'd be so empty in here." Alec looked around the big spacious living area. 

"Yeah well then you gotta treat yourself a bit, watch some home decorating shows and this is not a problem anymore." As Magnus was walking towards one of the bathrooms, obviously happy he nailed Alec's taste in appartments on the first one already, Alec opens the balcony door. 

"I'll take it." 

"Wait what...? Alec i have 6 appartments for you to look at what if-" 

"And i thank you for that. I really do. But honestly, i am exhausted, i don't feel well, and this appartment is already great and i hardly think the any other appartment could compeat with this price, so" Alec took a deep breath, "i think I'll take this one. Also i heard there's a pretty great bar not that far from here" 

"I mean if you're okay with it then fine let's see where the landlord is" 

After checking in with the landlord and exchanging all the necessary information, it's settled that Alec can move in 2 weeks already. 

"Alright so the planing for the rest of the day is kinda off now" Alec says as their walking back to the car "Do you have any plans?" 

"No not really. Mariah is out of town and i don't have any shifts at the bar this weekend so I'm free if u wanna go out" They get into the car and Magnus checks his phone while they're talking. 

"Actually i didn't wanna go out. More like the opposite." 

Magnus can't help but notice that something was off and since he had nothing else to do and primarily because he cares about Alec,he wants to get to the bottom of it. He checks his watch. 3:22pm. 

"Okay how about this - we'll go to my place, check online for some furniture and decorating stuff for your new appartment, and tonight we'll just order take out and watch a movie or something" 

For a split second a thought along the lines of 'maybe hanging out alone with your ex all day while his girlfriend is out of town and you're an emotional wreck is not a good idea' but the warm feeling that spread in his chest when thinking of just spending time with Magnus pushed that thought way out of his head. He needed this. He deserves to feel good. To feel happy. And if that means spending time with Magnus then so be it. They're friends after all. 

"That sounds great thanks" Alec lets out a relieved sigh and a small smile. 

Magnus grins at him in return "No need to thank me for that." 

And for a second time today Magnus could swear Alec was blushing as he was turning to look out of the window. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright there we go, third chapter.  
> Let me know what you think of this, good or bad - give it to me :'D


	4. 4.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well in this chapter we're kinda getting somewhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I re-wrote the ending of this chapter so many times you have no idea  
> Anyway i hope this isn't confusing and you like it.

4.

After arriving at Magnus' place, Alec headed straight for the couch. He had no idea where this exhaustion was coming from, he felt like just run a marathon twice in a row.   
  
"Hey i said we're gonna look at furniture not take a nap" Magnus laughed and threw a pillow towards Alec.   
  
Alec sat up, not quite knowing where he'd even get furniture. But Magnus had already opened up a website on his laptop and sat down next to him.   
While they were scrolling through the pages and throwing some stuff onto the 'let's maybe buy this' list, Alec forgot his exhaustion for quite a while.   
Probably because just being with Magnus and not being expected to act a certain way is the easiest thing in the world. But then again, Alec pushed thoughts like that way into the back of his mind.   
  
At the end of their online shopping trip, Alec decided to actually purchase 2 shelves, 1 new office chair, a rug and some decorations Magnus convinced him looked good together.   
After a few minutes of bickering about where to order food, they decided on the Chinese place right across from Magnus' appartment. So while Magnus was out getting the food, Alec took a well needed shower.   
  
Sitting now back in the living room finally about to eat something, Magnus felt confident enough that Alec at least wouldn't leave, if he asked him what happened this morning at his parents house.  
  
"Hey, can i ask you something?"   
  
"Technically you already did so-"   
  
Magnus cut him off before he could get too cocky "yeah alright no one likes a wiseass Alec" Magnus laughed under his breath, and took a sip of his water.   
  
"Fine" Alec changed his sitting position to look at Magnus better "What is it you wanna ask me?"   
  
Magnus swallowed. Slowly he started talking "I don't know really...just..uhm...if you wanna talk about anything, I'm here. You know that right? You just seemed a bit...out of it, after whatever happened during this cake testing thing and i know it's none of my business but-"   
  
"Stop. Nothing's going on. I'm just annoyed with Jace as usual. Don't worry" Alec's tone was serious and kinda harsh so Magnus didn't believe him for a second. With a sigh he stood up and excused himself to get some soy sauce from the kitchen.   
  
"Wait." As Magnus heard Alec's voice he froze and turned to look at him.   
  
"You're right. I am out of it. I feel out if it. But i can't explain why. I don't even understand it myself goddammit "   
With that he stood up and walked over to the window.   
Magnus gave Alec some time to collect his thoughts in case he wanted to continue talking. Which he did.   
  
"I'm sorry. I'm bad company maybe i should just go"   
  
"What? No, Alec, don't be ridiculous." Magnus walked towards him and doesn't quite know how to react. Alec actually talking about what bugs him is nothing Magnus was ever used to, not even when they were dating. "As long as you want to stay here i won't make you leave."   
  
Alec was torn between wanting to be alone and the complete opposite. He turned around only to see Magnus standing directly in front of him. He was sure that as soon as he would be alone, everything would come crashing down on him. If he'd stay here he'd had a reason to try everything he can to not let that happen. To not have to feel that crushing, horrifying feeling of breaking down completely. For this reason, Alec prefered to suppress and pretend. Because the feeling of not being able to control what was happening and how he was behaving or thinking was Alec's personal hell.   
  
"Would you mind if i stayed here tonight?" Alec asked quietly and insecure. Magnus cannot remember the last time he's seen him like this. And it came seemingly out of nowhere to him.   
  
"Of course you can stay here" is all Magnus managed to say. Then he just closed the distance between them and pulled Alec into a hug.   
  
______________________________   
  
It was around 2am.   
After that hug one look into Alec's face told Magnus that it'd be best to change the subject. So for the rest of the night they talked about the most random things. Magnus even got a laugh out of Alec once or twice.Now Magnus was asleep in his bed and Alec sat on the couch, declaring insomnia the clear winner of this night.   
Sitting there, in the dark alone, Alec let his thoughts wander to places he didn't let it before.   
All he wished for right now was the sensation Magnus arms around him again.  The safety he felt.   
He needed Magnus. More then he wants to admit to himself.   
And before he knew he was on his feet.   
This is wrong. Very wrong. But Alec couldn't help himself. He was walking over to Magnus bedroom door, opened it and stepped inside.   
  
"Can't sleep either huh?" Magnus gave him a small smile. He sat in his bed with a book in his hands, the lamp on his bedside table gave the room a very warm, inviting feeling.   
  
"Oh. I didn't know you were awake."  
Alec immediately cursed himself for saying that. That'd would imply he came in here with the intention of watching Magnus while he sleeps. That's just creepy.  
Alright, try and dig yourself out of that one, Lightwood. "Uh, I didn't- that's not why- I'm gonna go. Back to the couch. Uhm. Night."   
Alec turned around and mentally hit himself in the head. You are such a moron.   
  
"Wait. Alec. What's up? Something happen?"   
  
He heard Magnus voice and the concern and suddenly all rational thoughts flew out the window. Without saying a word he walked over to Magnus, got in bed and just looked at him and then layed with his back towards Magnus. Somehow Magnus just understood. Without any second thought Magnus wrapped his arms around him and closed the distance between his chest and Alec's back. 

Alec was more of an emotional wreck than he thought. And if what he needed right now was some sort of physical contact and reassurance, Magnus was more than willing to give it to him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave some thoughts/critique/wishes in the comments :)   
> Also the next chapter will be more Magnus-focused.


	5. 5.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec talks to his mother and Magnus gets some devastating news.   
> That's it basically i still suck at summaries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a sucker for a healthy Alec/Maryse relationship i can't help it   
> I hope you'll like this chapter, enjoy :)

5.

Magnus POV   
  
He didn't dare to move.   
Because if he did, the sleeping Alec in his arms might wake up and they would have to face whatever situation this is.   
  
Right as he was about to carefully slip out of bed, his phone on the nightstand started buzzing.   
Mariah.   
Fuck. He was supposed to pick her up from the airport.   
Already having an apology in his mouth, he picked up the phone and slipped out of the room, hoping he didn't wake Alec.   
Before he could say anything, he already heard Mariah's voice through the speaker.   
  
"Hey babe, I'm so sorry my flight got delayed i won't be home till 7:40pm tonight."   
  
"Well that's fine i actually overslept and woke up like 10 minutes ago"   
He left out the part 'cuddled up with mu ex boyfriend who I've had some kind of emotional and weird revelation about'  
  
Mariah's soothing laugh ripped him out of his thoughts.   
"Haha yeah that sounds about right. Oh i gotta go my mum's calling. See you later, i love you."   
  
"I love you too. Bye."   
  
As he turned around he saw Alec standing in the doorframe, fully dressed and ready to go.   
  
"My mum texted me and we agreed to have brunch so I'm gonna head out. Uhm,... thanks. That i could stay."   
  
Magnus was as much at a loss for words as Alec. How does one behave in such a situation!?  
  
"No problem, was nice having company."   
  
Alec turned to leave but stopped halfway "hey this stays between us,right? What i said last night?"   
  
"Yes of course, dont worry" Magnus gave him a reassuring smile.   
  
"Okay alright i'm gonna head out. See you"    
  
"Bye,oh give Maryse my best."   
  
Magnus and Maryse always got along great.   
  
As soon as Alec closed the door behind him, Magnus took a deep breath.   
Before he picks up Mariah at the airport later today he has to figure out what this is. These thoughts and feelings. But figuring out what just happened with Alec while also having in mind that Mariah 'needs to talk to him' really knock him out and he decides to go take a bath and get a clear head.   
  
____________________________  
  
His relationship with his mother was something Alec valued more than most things in his life.   
If he had to think of someone who always got his back since day one and loves him unconditionally, the people that sprung into his mind first were his mother and his sister.   
When his mother asked him to go have brunch together out of nowhere, he got suspicious tho. His mother is not a very spontaneous person. But he agreed anyway, thinking that if he's gonna talk to someone, it'd be her.   
  
"Did everything work out yesterday?" Maryse asks him with a concerned smile on her face.   
  
"Oh uh yeah sure...wait what do you mean" Alec was caught of guard and had no idea why his mother knew about the appartment hunting.   
  
"Well, you said you left early for work yesterday so...?"   
  
Fuck. He compelety forgot that that's why he allegedly had to leave "oh right yeah it's all good" Alec continued to down the rest of his coffee in one go.   
  
Maryse put down her glass of orange juice and laid her hands on the table. "Honey what's going on? I don't know where you went but I'm almost 100% sure it wasn't work and that it had something to do with whatever weird tension is between you and your brother."   
  
Alec had a decision to make. Tell her the truth or keep lying.   
"You're right. I had plans to go look at appartments with Magnus after the cake testing was done but I-" he stopped. He asked himself how far he wants to go with the whole 'telling the truth' thing. "I just-" he sighed. He didn't know what to tell her, but one look at her face told him she already knew.   
"I had a slight panic attack. During the cake testing. It just got too much. I don't know where this was coming from, or where it is still coming from but everything is just stressing me out even if it's nothing and i just feel like I'm suffocating. And it's stupid i know because there really isn't anything to stress about or to go cry in a bathroom during your brother's cake testing about but this- I just-" he stopped. She reached for his hand across the table and squeezed it tightly.   
 "I had a feelig something like that happened. It's alright. Continue" she gave him a soft smile and nodded at him to keep talking.   
  
"That's all basically. I didn't feel good, asked Magnus if he could pick me up already to get out of there and left." Alec left out the part that the one thing  keeping him from not breaking down completely was even hearing Magnus' voice in the first place.  
 "How did you know mum?"   
  
"A mother knows, i guess."   
Alec smiled.   
"Also i saw you getting into Magnus car from the kitchen window" she chuckled and sat back in her chair.   
  
She always liked Magnus. He was always one of the few men he dated she didn't want to kick out immediately after meeting them. That reminded him, "Oh speaking of he told me to say hi"   
  
"He knows we're having brunch? You made plans again later?" Alec saw her trying to hide how excited her smile really was. He would have laughed too if the real reason wasn't the fact that Magnus knew because he slept there. Over night. In his bed. Cuddling. And that Alec used this really well timed brunch as an excuse to get out of there.   
  
"Alec?"   
  
Oh crap, she's waiting for an answer.  
Alright just tell the truth and leave some parts out.   
  
"Uhm no, no plans. I just stayed at his place last night and told him when i left."   
  
That was fine. They're friends, they can sleep at each others places. Not weird.   
  
"Oh alright, what did the 3 of you do?" His mother sounded genuinely interested.   
Then he realized.   
3  
Of course it's not that weird if he would have stayed while Magnus' girlfriend was also there.   
But staying at his place overnight while she's out of town? That's when things get weird.   
He already got this far, why lie now?   
  
"Mum can i tell you something without you asking any questions, mainly because i can't really answer them myself?"   
  
She started to look more worried than excited "Yes of course"   
  
"Mariah wasn't there. She's out of town. I started feeling...worse..after looking at the first appartment - which i got by the way, I'll tell you later - and i told him i wanna leave and we went to his place, looked at some furniture and had takeout. I didn't tell him what's wrong but i did tell him that something's wrong. And i didn't want to be alone so i asked to stay and-" How far is he gonna take this? Before he started to continue talking, his mother spoke.   
  
"...Did something- i don't know, did something happen?" the way she stressed the word 'something' in her question made it quite clear what she meant but she continued talking anyway "you know, something that Mariah might need to know"   
  
"No! God no, i would never-" at first he was kind of outraged that his mother insinuated he slept with Magnus even though he has a girlfriend, then he thought that the whole 'cuddling incident' maybe was something Mariah should know.  
  
His mother more or less read him like an open book "So something did happen."   
  
"I wasn't thinking. I got in his bed and we fell asleep kind of cuddling. That's all. I swear. It was just me being...i don't know vulnerable and tired and him being a good friend to not question whatever the hell i was doing"   
  
"Did it help?"   
  
"Did what help what?" Alec was confused by his mother's reaction, he expected something entirely different.   
  
"Talking to Magnus. Spending time with Magnus. Did it help calm you down?"   
  
It did. Of course it did. It did when they were talking on the phone and it did when Alec opened up, even if it was only a little. It always did but that doesn't make it right.   
  
"I guess so, yeah...Mum? I don't know what to do."   
  
"I don't want to tell you how to run your life, but to me it looks like you need to take a step back and figure out what you want.   
Concerning your increasing anxiety, I'm so glad you're telling me and i want you to continue to do that but-" Alec cut her off. He knew what she wanted to say.   
  
"But you're not a doctor. I know."   
He hated it. He didn't want to rely on some doctor and some meds to not feel like his head is exploding for seemingly no reason.   
They kept talking for a while longer, about his siblings, the upcoming wedding, Alec's new appartment and work. Alec was grateful to talk about something else entirely or to not talk at all and just let his mother talk for a bit.   
Around 4pm they exited the restaurant, and after she told him three times that she's just a phone call away in case something happens, they part ways.   
  
______________________________  
  
Magnus POV   
  
He is standing in front of his car leaned against the driver's side on the airport parking lot.   
He thought the whole day about what the fuck happened. Why, all of a sudden, he didn't know where his head was or what he wanted.   
  
He spend a large time of the day remembering why he and Alec ended things in the first place.   
They had a great time together. When things were good, they were amazing. It was like he never had to doubt anything in his life again because he had Alec.   
But when things were bad, they were really unbearable.   
Alec had tendencies to shut him out completely as soon as something went wrong or he didn't feel so great. It made Magnus feel like Alec didn't trust him. It made Magnus feel like Alec didn't care about trying to fix things or make this relationship work.   
So he ended it. It hurt, it hurt badly, but not knowing what's going with your boyfriend because he doesn't let you in, not even a little bit, hurt even more. That was not something he could live with in the long run.   
  
And then yesterday happened. Alec, standing in his living room, being honest about his feelings and letting him know something he didn't want him to share with anybody else. Alec, laying down next to him, needing some sort of physical affection because he's clearly not doing great right now.   
And Magnus liked it.   
He hated to admit it but he liked it.  
Magnus liked the feeling of being there for someone. Being needed. Being needed by  _Alec._  
He saw Mariah walking towards him and immediately banished these thoughts in the back of his mind.   
Mariah needs his attention now and Magnus is more than willing to give it to her.   
  
"Hey you" Mariah always managed to let a smile appear on his face. He didn't had to pretend to be happy around her because he just was. She was one of those people who you just can't help but laugh with.   
He greeted her with a kiss which turned into a hug and he sensed how tense she was.   
Alright, here we go.   
  
When he storred her luggage in the trunk and sat down in the driver seat next to her she looked deep in her thoughts.   
  
"Mariah? Baby? What is it? Just tell me."   
  
She took a deep breath "Uhm..okay. I got a job offer. I was offered to run my own pastry shop"   
  
"Oh my god, Mariah, this is amazing!"   
  
"It'd would be in Seattle."   
  
Oh.   
Now he understood why she was so tense. She got an offer for her dream job, located of the other side of the country. Of course that'd would happen.  
Why would anything go smoothly in Magnus' life for once?   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter and are somewhat excited as to what happens next.   
> Also I'm really trying to write more stuff from Magnus POV but for some reason that's really hard for me. Writing Alec is much easier.   
> I'm really trying my best here i promise   
> As always, comments are appreciated!!


	6. 6.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, some shit goes down for Magnus  
> Alec is a bit more cheerful in this one  
> Just go read, we are definitely getting somewhere here :'D

6.

"Wow. Have you accepted the offer yet?" Magnus was not sure how he wanted her to answer. On the one hand, this was an amazing opportunity for Mariah and she would be incredibly stupid not to take it. On the other hand, Magnus really did not want her to leave. Long Distance never worked out and he needed her here. With him.

"No, of course not. I told them I let them know later tonight." Mariah took his hands in hers and closed her eyes for a second. "Magnus, I-" she stopped the second as a silent tear fell from his eyes and she gently wiped it away. Magnus could tell she was having a hard time holding back her tears as well so he tried to pull himself together.

"This is it then?"

"Magnus, I love you. So much. And I know that if I'll go and we decide to give long-distance a try, it'll do nothing but hurt you. All I'd do is holding you back." She had tears streaming down her face. She doesn't want this. Magnus could tell.

"Holding me back from what?" He tried to understand what she meant but his mind was in no condition to connect anything right now.

"Holding you back from what truly makes you happy. And I know that that is not me. It hurts like hell, and i wish i could be that for you but i'm not."

Magnus didn't undertand anything anymore. "What are you talking about of course you are! Being with you, I-...I haven't been this happy in years, you- I don't undertand this" he felt like he was drowning in that moment. Why is the universe always doing this to him? Taking away the one thing that keeps him sane?

"I never said that we're not happy. I'm simply not the person you're gonna spend the rest of your life with. I wish I was, believe me, but I'm not. And I don't wanna be the reason you're not finding that person. I don't wanna be the thing that stands in the way of your happiness. Because if there's one person who deserves to be happy more than anything, it's you." She was full on crying now. Looking into her eyes while she said that, Magnus could tell she really believed what she said. And she was hurting. And it was his fault. For some reason he cannot make the person who makes him feel so unconditionally loved feel like he feels the same about her. What was wrong with him? Since when did she have the feeling that she was not enough for him? All these question weigh on his heart and his tounge. He just looked at her and mouthed "I love you", because if this is really the end of their relationship he needs her to know that.

"I know." she wispered back and gave him a kiss that felt very much like a goodbye "I love you too."

During the car ride back to Magnus' place, the car was drowned in silence and quite tears streaming down their faces. Right as he parked the car, her phone rang. She just starred at it and Magnus encouraged her to take it "Come one, pick up. This is your future in Seattle calling, don't let it wait." He smiled at her as encouraging as he could in the moment because he meant it. She should take it. He wanted her to succeed. She squeezed his hand and stepped out of the car.

As the door fell close behind her, Magnus took a deep breath, leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes. He did not know where to put all of his thoughts. This hurt. This hurt so fucking bad. Knowing that she is just as hurt did not help the matter.

The car door opened and she sat back down next to him.

"So? When are you gonna leave?"

"Tomorrow night."

"Tomorr-What? Already? They can't spare you for another few days?" His voice cracked. This was going way too fast. Nevertheless, he tried to be as supportive as possible.

Then everything happened in a blur. They went up to his appartment and cleared all her stuff and belongings.

When all was done and packed up, they sat on the sofa. She didn't want to leave. So tried to start a conversation to make this easier.

"Alrght. Let's talk about something else. What did you do all weekend?"

Then it all came back to Magnus. Alec. All he thought about the entire day was Alec, and whether or not he should tell Mariah about it. Because after all, he always told her everything. She was always helpful. Why would it be any different? So Magnus decided that if she leaves tonight, he should at least listen to one of her life lessons on last time. But he started light.

"Nothing much. I helped Alec find a new appartment, we hung out and he left this morning after i thought i forgot you at the airport." He got a little laugh out of Mariah. He stayed here? Yeah, having Izzy and Simon at my place I'd also try and stay some place else, i get that"

"That's not why-" Magnus promised Alec not to tell anyone. But Magnus needed this right now. He needed to talk and in order to get some sort of advice he needed to tell her everything. "He stayed because he wasn't feeling well, i guess. I don't know he's going through some stuff i guess and he didn't want to leave so he stayed here."

"Oh damn, well he certainly knows how to overplay it." She must have noticed that Magnus got a little tense when he said that Alec stayed here. "...anything else?"

There was a slightly suggestive tone to it but mostly meant as a joke. Magnus chuckled joke "No. He slept on th couch in case you were worried"

"I wasn't, you know that" She put her head on his shoulders. No, she wasn't. He knew that. He also just lied to her.

"Can I tell you something and you give a completely objective opinion on it?"

"Sure, guess i kinda owe you, considering i gave you a 24 hours notice that i'm moving to the other side of the country." They laughed. Making jokes about fucked up situations is something they're both quite good at, so this at least felt normal.

Magnus cleared his throat "Alright uhm, I lied. About Alec. He's not just 'going through some stuff' it's actually pretty serious i think. I wouldn't know he never really told me anything. But last night he at least admitted that he wasn't okay, which surprised me." Magnus took a deep breath. "I went to bed. He slept on the couch. I guess he couldn't sleep, so he came to my bed, lied down and- I've never seen him like this before, you should have been there. So vulnerable and...broken. And I-"

Mariah sat straight up now. Magnus couldn't quite read the expression on her face. But she wasn't angry. She was listening. "Keep going. You guys...slept?"

"Yes. I was spooning him trying to calm him down since he was shaking so much, although i don't think he even noticed. And at some point he fell asleep. This is just a completely fucked up situation. He left pretty quickly this morning, I have no idea what he thought or what he's doing now. And i don't even know if that's what he wanted. This is- I- this isn't normal." He looked at Mariah, waiting for her to agree.

"Or maybe it is." She had a soft, small smile on her face. She stood up, gathered her things and walked towards the frontdoor. Magnus followed her. "What do you m- You're leaving?"

"I have to. I still have to pack up all my stuff and settle some things in Seattle. But that's not important. What's important is what i just said. You know, maybe caring about Alec to this extent feels like the most normal for thing for you. Maybe just being with Alec feels like the most normal thing for you. Have you ever really thought about that?"

Magnus was at a loss for words. All he knew now was that THIS situation was not normal at all. And not the advice he hoped for.

Mariah took his face in her hands, gave him a kiss and wispered "I really hope the two of you can make this work some day." He felt the wetness of her tears on his cheek but also her reassuring smile on his lips. She gave him a hug, stepped back, mouthed "Bye" and closed the door behind her. 

And there it was. The thing that Magnus hoped not to hear and had burried in the depths of his mind. Out of his now ex-girlfriends mouth.

He didn't want this. He didn't want to care for Alec in that way. Alec hurt him. Deeply. When Magnus was with him, for the first time in his life he thought he found the person he was gonna spend the rest of his life with. That quickly changed, when Alec apparently only allowed Magnus to see his good parts when Magnus gave him his all. And now Mariah, the one person he trusted more than anything since the break up with Alec, left him. Left him, because she thought she wasn't enough for Magnus, but apparently his ex-boyfriend who never told him the whole truth about himself is. His sadness turned into anger. That anger quickly turned into pure frustration. Because she was right.

He had feelings for Alec. If he truly thinks about it now, they never left. And it took all that to figure that out. Maybe this is the universe saying 'Here's your second chance. Don't fuck it up'. Or it had something to do with Magnus self-destructive ways of getting himself in trouble, because his girlfriend, who was more than he could have ever asked for, just left him for a job in Seattle and he is currently heading to his bar, hoping he'd find Alec there. And God knows to what that might lead.

* * *

Alec had spend the day doing some more decor shopping for the appartment and doing his laundry. He needed some distraction. And he took his mother's adivce. Taking a step back to think about what he wants. And needs. He thought all day and came to the conclusion that a day wasn't gonna cut it. So by the end of the day he proudly declared to Izzy and Simon, who were coincidentally in the living room as he came up with the idea, "I'm going abstinent! That should help right? No guys, no sex, no distractions for a year." 

Izzy and Simon were looking at him in the most confused way possible.

"I'm sorry, what? Where the hell is that coming from?" Izzy laughed.

"Doesn't matter where it's coming from, I like it!" Simon immediatley jumped up, patting Alec's shoulder "I got you buddy"

Simon's undying support of whatever Alec came up with never failed to amaze him. Alec might as well just declared that he's gonna attempt to murder the next door neighbors because he doesn't like their doormatt.

"Uhm, Thanks?! I think it's gonna help you know. Clearing my head. Focusing on work and what my priorities are."

"Alright, despite knowing you're not gonna make it - who's willing to bet 50 bucks he caves within the next two months?" Izzy looked inbetween Simon and Alec with her hand held open, ready for someone to take that bet.

"Fine. I believe in him. Alec you better not fuck this up, 50m dollars is a lot of money" Simon shook her hand and they both looked very pleased with themselves while Alec simply rolled his eyes. Right as he was about to comment on their stupid bet, the doorbell rang.

"I got it." Alec walked out of the living room towards the front door and when he openend it, he saw Magnus with an expression on his face that he couldn't quite describe. Distraught is maybe a word that would fit.

"Hey, is everything alright?" Alec gestured for him to come him.

Magnus walked two steps into the appartment and when he heard Izzy laugh in the living room, he turned to Alec "Uhm no. Not really. Can I talk to you? In private?"

"Yes of course, you know where my room is, I'll be there in a second, I'll go get you some water."

Magnus was about to protest but Alec was already on his way to the kitchen.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we are.  
> A heartbroken Magnus and an abstinent Alec, this is gonna be great.  
> I know it's not a lot of Alec in this one, next will be Magnus and Alec focused i promise.  
> As always, please leave some comments/criticism/whatever you want.  
> Thanks for reading!!


	7. 7.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some serious talking, feeling and thinking going on in this chapter   
> Just read please I'm bad at this

7.

With a glass of water in his hand, Alec made his way from the kitchen to his room. Approximately 1000 thoughts ran through his head.   
As he closed the door behind him, he saw Magnus sitting on the edge of his bed, his hands in his lap, starring at the floor.   
  
"Here's some water. I can get you some aspirin or something, you don't look too good."   
Smooth Alec, real smooth.   
  
But it made Magnus chuckle a bit "No I'm good thank you, water is enough."   
  
Alec decided just to go for it "Okay. So...uhm, what happened? Is it something with your family or work related or Mariah or wh-" Magnus flinched a little as soon as he said her name.   
"Something happen to her?" Alec took the chair from his desk and sat down in front of him.   
  
Magnus had to admit, when Alec wasn't the one with problems, he was really good at talking about this kinda stuff.   
  
"She's moving to Seattle. Tomorrow." Magnus had not noticed he started crying again and immediately cursed himself for even coming here in the first place. Crying about a break up in front of one your exes doesn't exactly scream emotinal stability.   
  
"Oh. Wow that's-I'm so sorry." Alec didn't want to say anything until Magnus told him everything, so he decided to shut up for now.   
  
"I told her to go. It's an amazing job opportunity, she has to take it. But she said some things that made me think. She meant well"   
  
Alec just nodded slightly and gave him a reassurring look.   
  
"Why does this keep happening to me? Do you know what she said? She said she'd be holding me back. From being happy. From being with someone who makes me truly happy. What kind of bullshit is that?" Magnus did not know where this was coming from. Ever since Mariah told him that she's leaving, he was nothing but understanding. But all of a sudden all of his sadness and heartache turned into anger. "God fucking dammit! How do i keep messing shit up without even noticing? I mean i was looking at fucking engagement rings for God's sake! And now she's telling me she knows she's not enough for me? HOW MUCH MORE ENOUGH CAN IT GET?" he stood up and walked across the room while he was talking now "And now she insinuated all these things that i haven't even thought about because i had no reason to! Why dwell on the past when i got something going for me in the present? Well...had going for me."   
  
There was so much Alec wanted to say to him in that moment. He wanted to tell him that it's not his fault, that he has a right to be sad and angry. But Alec decided to just be there for him right now and let him talk more. Alec already had a feeling he said more than he had initially planned to say, so he was hesitant to ask further, but his curiosity got the best of him "What exactly did she say? What exactly did she make you think about?"   
  
Magnus opened his mouth, but closed it immediately. Nope. He's not gonna stand here, clearly a crying mess, telling Alec that he never really got over him. He already got hurt enough in the past 24 hours, he doesn't need more.   
"Doesn't matter now." He said back down next to Alec,who switched from the chair to the bed so he can look at him better while he was walking around the room. "I'm just-I'm tired. I need all of this to stop. Can we talk about something else for a second?"   
  
"You're mainly talking here anyway so, go ahead." Alec laughed. Alec knows what it's like to not want to talk about things so he didn't want to push Magnus. He wanted to make him feel comfortable so that at some point he'd start talking about it by himself. That usually worked for Magnus, he knew.   
  
Magnus was searching for a different topic to talk about but his mind was completely occupied with the events of the weekend. Actually just the events of today. After all, he woke up with Alec in his arms this morning. Right now it was sunday night, 11:56pm. Damn, a lot can happen in just a day.   
  
"Alec?"   
  
"Yes?"   
  
"Are we...- is everything normal between us?"   
  
Alec knew immediately what he was talking about.   
He nodded reassuringly "Yeah, it is. I know, i stepped over a line yesterday, I'm sorry. I was...I don't know, the point is, it won't happen again, and we're fine."   
  
"Can it?"   
  
"Wha-"  
  
"Can you just hold me for a second? Please?" Magnus felt like he was seconds away from everything crashing down on him. He piled all that up and when he let go of it a couple minutes ago, it let loose so much more.   
  
Alec moved back on the bed and gestured him to follow.   
Magnus laid his head on Alec's chest and Alec closed his arms around him.   
Magnus concentrated on Alec's heartbeat and quickly fell asleep.   
  
_______________  
  
Alec POV   
  
He absently drew circles with his thumb on Magnus' shoulder. Alec couldn't help but dwell on what Magnus said earlier.  Something about thinking of the past and all that. Was that about him? Did Mariah bring something up about him? That didn't sound like her, she'd never do that.   
For a split second Alec considered calling her to ask her what exactly she said, but he quickly let go of that thought. If she's moving tomorrow she's probably busy. Not to mention she's probably not in a better condition than Magnus right now. And it's honestly none of his business what exactly happened between the two of them. If Magnus wanted to tell him, he would.   
  
Hours passed. It was around 4:45am when the movement of Magnus in his arms woke him up.   
  
"Oh God. Fuck, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep." Magnus immediately sat straight up and Alec soon missed the warmth of his body next to him.   
  
"Everything's fine, don't worry." Alec tried not to sound too tired.   
  
"Alright I- I should go." Magnus got up and looked for his jacket on the floor.   
  
"What no, don't be ridiculous, it's almost morning anyway, it'll be a while before you're home. Stay here and at least get some more sleep."  
  
He saw Magnus going back and forth in his mind. Then he watched him stood up, take off his shirt and pants and got back to the bed and under the covers. "Fine."   
  
Alec laughed at the pretend pout on Magnus' face.   
"Good."   
  
"When do you have to get up?" Magnus asked, almost half asleep again.  
  
"Uhm around 6 am."  
  
"Ugh, please don't wake me"   
  
Alec laughed quietly "I'll try my best"  
  
For now, Alec should try his best to sleep.   
  
_________  
  
The alarm clock rips them both out of their sleep.   
Alec is quick to turn it off and got out of bed. He headed towards the bathroom, takes a quick shower and when he went back into the bedroom he got dressed as quickly as possible. If he didn't do things quickly in the morning he'd never get out of bed.   
Right before he turns to leave, he hears Magnus talk behind him   
"Do i see you at the bar later?"   
  
"Yeah probably. Oh and if Izzy and Simon are refuse to stop making out in the kitchen, there's a spray bottle of water in the very left cupboard. Just spray them like they're cats that did something wrong."   
  
"Damn you really wanna get out of here huh" Magnus was laughing in his pillow "Don't worry, I plan to get out if here before they even know i was ever here." With that, he got up and walked towards the bathroom.   
  
That last statement made Alec a little mad. Magnus wasn't some dirty little secret he had to hide. But then again, this was probably for the best. He didn't really have time to think about it anyway.   
  
____________  
  
When Magnus got out of the shower, he starred at himself in the mirror for what felt like an eternity.   
This whole weekend was nothing but a rollercoaster of emotions and confusion. He looked tired even though he had a good nights rest. He quickly got dressed, tamed his hair as best as he could and grabbed his stuff to leave. Right when he walked out of Alec's room, he almost bumped into Izzy.   
  
"Oh damn sorry, I didn't-Magnus? Where are you coming from? Did I miss something? Oh boy did Alec give up already? Haha, well someone owes me money" Izzy laughed and patted his shoulder.   
  
"Uhm yeah i came last night. Did Alec gave up what?" Magnus asked confused and apologetic for some reason.   
  
"His stupid absitence pledge from last night. Apparently abstaining from 'distractions' for a year helps him to get a grip on his life or whatever. I said he wouldn't last long but this is quite quick even for him, i gotta admit."   
  
"Oh no no no. Nothing happenend. I-uhm...Mariah and i broke up and i just felt like talking to someone,so...that's all. His abstinence pledge,   
which i knew nothing about by the way, is very well in tact." Magnus tried his best to sound convincing that really absolutely nothing happened. And he wasn't lying. Cuddling is not sex after all.   
  
"Oh damn, i could have used that money. I'm sorry about you and Mariah, that sucks. You okay?" Izzy always sounded so genuinely concerned and sincere. He's really glad they remained friends through Alec's and his breakup. She was of tremendous help back then. She still is sometimes.   
  
"Uhm, i'm not sure. Not really, no." Magnus laughed with his head hanging low, almost as if he's ashamed.   
Right when he's about to leave, Izzy gave him a bone crushing hug.  
"It'll get better. I'm here in case you wana talk"   
  
"I know. Thank you, Isabelle." He hugged her back and then made his way out of the apprtment to head home.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, as always comments and criticsm or thoughts are very welcome :)


	8. 8.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Jace talk about some stuff   
> Alec realizes some stuff

8.

Considering all the crap that went down this weekend, Alec's Monday went by pretty well. He felt great, work was all running smoothly. He was walking towards the small coffee shop across the street of his office building, because he agreed to meet up with Jace during his break. This would have happened eventually, so Alec was fine with it being on a day he felt confident and had a clear head.

Jace was already sitting in a booth in the corner of the coffee shop when he walked in. He ordered himself a coffee and something small to eat and sat down beside him. Before he could even say hello, Jace started speaking "Alec I'm so sorry. I know I've been an asshole lately and i said som-"

"Woah woah woah slow down, what exactly is this about?"

"Stop it Alec, Mom told me."

Alec's heart stopped for a second. His mother never told anyone about his panic attacks and struggles with anxiety, not even his father.  Why would she tell Jace? And then not even warn Alec? He swalloed and tried his best to stay calm. "..told you what?" 

"The real reason you left on saturday? That i pissed you off and you finally ran out of patience? I get it. I know."

Alec breathed out. Thank God.

"Oh yeah, sure. That. Don't worry, i was stressed and on edge anyway. All good." He just wanted this topic of conversation to be over.

"I said some pretty messed up things in the past few weeks. I'm sorry, man. I've been spending too much time with Clary's father due to wedding planning stuff. This dude has a werid effect on me, i tell you. I always wanna impress him so bad that i tear down others even when he's not even around, I-"

"Jace! It's alright, let's forget about it" Alec reassured him that everything is good between them, with the wedding so close, it's better they make up and be on the same side.

"Yeah, okay. So, Izzy told me about your chosen path of abstinence to...to what exactly? You really gotta explain this to me brother, do i have to worry about your sanity?" Jace laughed and took a sip of his coffee.

Alec jokingly rolled his eyes, "It's not that weird, okay, stop making it a bigger deal than it is." Alec laughed too now, although it did annoy him how much everyone seems to think they can just talk about his love life. For them it's always either too much or too little, Alec wondered how terrible theirs must be, if they had nothing better to do. "I just don't wanna keep sleeping around, not because it isn't fun, but because it started to get...i don't know, it started to get exhausting, i guess? At the same time, I have no interest in dating anyone right now or to settle down. So meeting some new people and goig on with my life and focusing on my carreer without any intention of getting someone into bed does not sound that weird, does it?"  Alec purposefully left out the part 'all i can think about is Magnus anyway and that would be a horrible idea' because that would spark a whole nother conversation he tried to avoid. With anybody but mostly with himself.

"Alright. Just keep in mind that my wedding is this saturday and being this handsome and single at a wedding i kind of a jackpot." Jace winked at him. " Oh hey, by the way, did you talk to Magnus recently? Is he okay?"

"What? Why?"

"Well, he texted Clary yesterday to let he know that Mariah is not coming to the wedding."

"Oh yeah, that. She's moving to Seattle. Today. She got some big offer and they decided to call it quits i guess."

"Oh damn, that sucks. Fuck, i really thought they'd be getting married next, to be honest with you"

The fact that apparently Magnus thought so too is still in the back of Alec's head. That's huge. That's just fuels his thoughts as to why they shouldn't try again. This isn't something you get over quickly. Magnus needs time, space and someone to talk to, and Alec decided that that's fine with him. It's better to have him as a friend than not at all.

He looked at his watch and was thankful that he had to get back to work, he was way too much in his head to keep a conversation gonig now. He quickly said goodbye to Jace, and went back to work.

* * *

It was around 7pm when Alec enterd. He saw Magnus behind the bar and it made him smile a little. As he was walking towards the bar, he hoped Magnus doing at least a little bit better. 

"Hey you. How are you feeling?" He sat down and tried his best not too look like he was pittying him.

"Hey youself. I don't know, I'm okay, i guess. Mariah stopped by to bring me some of my stuff from her appartment. We talked a bit, i think that helped. When i keep telling myself the fact that this was not an unsuccessful relationship, but a quite succesful one that just had to end now, i think i'll get by." 

Alec believed every word he said. "Wow, okay. That's...a way more mature way to handle a break up than any of mine." They both laughed and in this moment Alec realized how screwed he really was. How in the world was he able to suppress his feelings for Magnus for all these years when they are so clearly there?

"Alec?"

His voice ripped Alec out of his trance "What?"

"I asked you what you want to drink." He saw Magnus smiling at him with a slightly worried expression on his face "Falling asleep here would be highly uncomfortable. You good?"

"Yeah yeah, just tired and a headache, i guess. Didn't really hit me until I sat down. You know what, I'm gonna head home." Which wasn't a complete lie. He was tired and his head was aching but not that bad that he had to head home. "Are you working tomorrow?"

"No, I only work today and on thursay this week."

"Alright. Do you wanna meet up at my new place when i'm done working? The stuff i ordered came and i wanna see how i'm gonna-"

"Yes! Oh God, yes please. I'm not gonna let you ruin a great opportunity of interior design here, of course i'll be there."

"Haha, alright, see you tomorrow then, I'll text you."

"See you. And no, don't text me, go take some aspirin and go the fuck to sleep." Magnus laughed at him and then turned around to some other guests.

As Alec was walking home, he couldn't help but feel excited to spend time with Magnus tomorrow. Why was he so damn excited, he hangs out with Magnus almost every day, this isn't special. This is bad. He shouldn't do this. But he can't help himself. This, Magnus, just feels so incredibly right.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I PROMISE there will be some Alec/Magnus acting on whatever it is that's between them, in the next chapter.   
> I just feel like i can't write today and i don't wanna mess it up.   
> Thanks so much for reading and please leave a comment/some critics :)


	9. 9.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get interesting i guess

9.

When Magnus closed the bar it was around 3am. He took his time driving home, and once he arrived there, he debated whether or not he should cook something. Basically doing his best not to go to bed. Because once he's trying to fall asleep, the overthinking starts and he did not want to deal with that. It was 6am when he ran out of things to do and he collapsed onto the couch. Right when his eyes threatend to fall shut, his phone on the coffee table started to vibrate. He looked at the screen. Alec. For a split second Magnus was wondering why he'd call him in the middle of the night, then he realized that Alec was probably getting ready for work. He picked up.

"Hey."

"Hey! Magnus, listen, I have a meeting after work today, so I'll be a little late. If you wanna go to my current place to pick up the keys for my new place, they're on the shelf right next to the door."

He forgot that he was meeting Alec later, and here he was, thinking he could just pass out and sleep for as long as he wanted because he had given his shift at work to someone else.

"Yeah, okay, I'll do that. Hey, how are you?"

"Uhm...good, why are you asking?"

"Because of your headache yesterday"

"Oh yeah, that was justa migraine,nothing serious, don't worry. Alright I gotta go, see you later."

"Okay good, see you then, bye"

Magnus was feeling a mix between regretting this already and really looking forward to it. Either way, he was too tired to think about it as the exhaustion crept up on him.

 

It was 4:37pm when Magnus entered Alec's new apartment. Izzy and Simon were not there, so he was able to grab the keys without an awkward conversation. He saw the delivery packages in the hallway. Alec obviously haven't opened them yet. Magnus smiled. He knew exactly how this is gonna go - He build all the furniture and decorated everything while Alec sat in some corner, "encouraging" him with jokingly judgy comments. But Magnus didn't mind.

He was looking for things to do, so he started opening some boxes and putting together some shelves.

Looking at the wall, he started wondering how Alec would want them, and decided that waiting would be a better idea before just hitting nails into walls over a guess. A quick glance at his watch told him it was already around 6pm, which means that Alec should get here soon. Magnus ordered some Pizza and began unpacking some of the decor.

While he was occupied with unpacking a painting Alec ordered, he didn't hear the front door opening and closing.

"Woah."

Magnus almost dropped the painting he was holding. "Jesus Christ! What are you a ninja now?" He put the painting down and turned around fully "Yeah, i got bored, so i started building some of the stuff, i hope that's okay. I didn't know where you'd want them. Well, i kinda did but i didn't wanna do anything without asking you, obviously. Oh, I ordered pizza, it should be here any minute. And-what?" Magnus saw Alec smiling an amused smile at him while he was talking.

"Nothing" Alec answered without the smile leaving his face.

Dammit. Damn him and his dopey, unfortunately quite beautiful smile.

"Alright, then wipe that stupid smile of your face and help me hang these shelves:"

"No reason to get so mean. Also what is this now? The only reason i asked to help was so that i didn't have to do anything." Alec laughed and walked over to him, picking up a shelf anyway.

"Oh, you don't think i know that, asshole?"

It took them maybe 20 minutes to hang everything up and place some of the deecor. Most shelf space was for his books anyway.

"Alright, done."

The doorbell rang, "And there's the pizza. I'l go get it." Magnus went to grab his money, but Alec was already walking towards the door.

"No, I got it, my treat. Consider it your payment"

They settled on the couch, the one piece if actuak furniture Alec already had in this apartment, and started talking.

"So, did you do anything other than building my shelves today?"

"Uhm...i slept. Didn't get much sleep last night, so it was a good thing i had no work today, i guess."

Alec gave him a look that basically said 'cut the crap' and Magnus caved.

"Alright I did not sleep at all last night."

"That bad?" Alec was probably hinting at his breakup.

"Honestly, I'm okay. I thought I'd be worse but I'm okay. Let's talk about you. Is that abstinence thing really real or did Izzy screw me on that one?"

Alec rolled his eyes, but not out of annoyance. "Nope, she was telling the truth, it's real."

Magnus laughed a little "And what caused that decision?"

Magnus saw Alec hesitating. It was almost like he was uncertain which answer he was gonna give him. Alec looked at him and shrugged. He also started to wipe his hands on his pants. He was nervous, Magnus could tell, but he didn't know why and he didn't want to push it.

"I guess i felt like it?"

Magnus just nodded at Alec's answer so he wouldn't make him more uncomfortable.

"Hey, i just remembered-" Alec got up and left the room, only to come back with 2 bottles of tequila. "-I bought these yesterday and forgot them here when I left the packages."

"So you officially don't wanna get any more done here today, huh?" Magnus laughed and threw the pizza cartons on the floor so Alec could sit again.

"Eh, let's not disturb the neighbours by hammering nails into walls so late at night"

"It's not even 8pm, that'sa weak excuse Mr. Lightwood. But I'll take it." And with that, he took one of the bottles from him and winked at him.

* * *

Alec POV 

About an hour and probably too much tequila later, a very stupid thought crossed Alec's mind.

Within a matter of seconds all he could think about were Magnus' lips. They were probably the most perfect lips he's ever seen. And he missed kissing them. He missed him. And he needed to let him know.

"Hey, Magnus?"

Magnus was busy trying to cut a string that got lose from his shirt, but given the amount of alcohol they already drank, he had to focus really hard. It was adorable. 

"Yeah?"

"I miss you."

Magnus looked up and smiled, slightly confused "I'm right here"

"No, I mean i've really been missing you."

"You see me all the time, what are you talking about" Magnus laughed and took the bottle of tequila away from him, "You're done for tonight"

"You remember earlier? When we were talking about that abstinence crap? And you asked what caused it?"

"...yeah"

"You did."

Now Magnus didn't answer anymore. He was just starring at Alec, waiting for him to elaborate. So Alec did.

"I just..-listen," he repositioned himself on the couch and took a deep breath. All of a sudden he felt stone cold sober. While Alec was trying to string the words together that really grasped what he was trying to say, he felt Magnus move towards him and before he knew it, he was kissing him. Alec was in shock for a second but quickly raised his hand to his neck and started kissing back.   
A million thoughts crossed his mind and yet the only thing he could focus on was Magnus lips on his. How he'd gone so long without it was a riddle to him.   
They parted slightly but Alec's hand did not leave the other man's neck.

"Yeah, that about sums it up" Alec laughed against Magnus's lips and felt him smile.

Alec opened his mouth to start talking but Magnus quickly shushed him with a kiss.

"Don't. Don't complicate this by talking. We can talk all we want tomorrow." Magnus climbed on top of Alec's lap, took his face in his hands and kissed him again. This time it wasn't as sweet and light as before. This was full of unspoken words and so much want, Alec had no chance of doing anything other than give himself to Magnus. And he happily did so.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kinda short i'm sorry and i wanted to write more but i have some issues  
> I have never written smut before, nor anything else really, as you can tell lmao, so i don't know yet if i'll just try and that'll be the next chapter or if I'll continue with the morning after  
> What do you guys think?
> 
> As always leave a comment/some critique, it's v appreciated :)


	10. 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm back. This isn't very long, nor good, but I needed something to get back into this. I just hope I can finish this up soon tbh

Alec woke up to his head pounding and back aching in pain. Falling asleep on the couch wasn't the best idea. 

No. 

Falling asleep on this couch together wasn't a good idea. 

He felt his head laying on Magnus' bare chest and he dreaded opening his eyes in the fear of this all being a dream. He felt a hand moving from his back to his hair, playing with it, and a smile spread across his face.

'What are you smiling about?' Magnus teased jokingly and kissed him on the head.

Alec opened his eyes, sat up straight so he'd sit in his lap and closed the distance between their lips. The kiss was soft. Light. Full of uncertainty and comfort at the same time.

When they parted, Magnus opened his mouth to talk but Alec was quicker. 'Breakfast?' Obviously trying everything not to talk about what happened and to just let it happen, he got up without waiting for an answer and grabbed his clothes. 'there's a great coffee place two blocks from here, considering I don't have anything here yet, but we could also-'

'Alec', Magnus grabbed his arm and turned Alec so he could face him, 'I'm not sure this should have happened. I'm not sure what or how this even happened but I just got out of a relationship and there's a lot going on in my head that I don't wanna burden you with, so...i know this isn't fair, but I can't give you hope when I don't know if there is any. And we can't just go to breakfast, pretending none of this happened or just not talk about it.'

Deep down Alec knew he was right. Magnus was thinking rational and he should too. At least try to.

'Yeah, I get that. You're right' and he meant it.

Magnus got dressed and collected all of his stuff, then turned to Alec who was sitting on the edge of the couch, clearly lost in thought and biting his nails because of it. 

'Allright uhm, I'm gonna take off. See you later at the bar?' Magnus tried to make this as normal as possible.

'Uh yeah, maybe, I don't know yet.' he got up and looked like he wasn't done talking to Magnus didn't leave yet.

'I know this may sound weird right now, considering the situation, but do you wanna come to Jace's wedding with me? As friends? I told him I'd have a plus one because he asked me when I was with that guy I was kinda dating and I'd would have been awkward to say no so I told him I'd have a plus one and-I'm rambling alright, anyway I don't have anyone else so...you wanna go?' he tried to make it sound as casual as possible and failed miserably. Thankfully, Magnus glossed over that.

'Of course I'll go with you.' he smiled at Alec, 'I mean I still have my own invitation with a plus one that's not gonna happen but I'll gladly go with you.' a laughter escaped his lips, maybe because this was a very messed up situation or maybe because he actually thought that they both kinda messed with Jace's 100% planned out wedding and that was funny. He didn't know. All he knew is that this wedding is gonna be a lot more bareable with Alec.

'Okay, cool.' Alec breathed out, seemingly relieved and brought him to the door. 'We're good right?' Magnus gave him a hug and said 'Yes. Everything is fine between us, don't worry.' Alec gave him a genuine smile and closed the door behind him.

* * *

 

_Fuck_

_Fuck fuck fuck_

_How did this happen. I'm such an idiot God damn it._

Magnus left Alex's apartment hours ago but Alec was still walking around his living room aimlessly, trying to make sense of what happened.

He still really likes Magnus. He likes likes Magnus? He slept with Magnus. When he just got out of a relationship and Alec should have just been a friend. But instead, he took the opportunity and took advantage of him. Did he? Magnus started it. But then again, Alec didn't stop him when maybe he should have.

_God you are such an idiot. Of course he was doing that to get mind off of it._

He needed to talk to someone.

Jace? No, he has his own problems right now.

Izzy? She would have no objective view on this, she wanted them back together the moment they broke up 5 years ago.

His mother? Well, maybe talking to his mother about his love life isn't the most comfortable option but she always tries to help and Alec trusts her more than most people.

He picked up his phone and dialed her number, not exactly knowing what to say when she picked up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave some critique and opinions or ideas in the comments because I honestly need it, thanks


	11. 11

Magnus' shift at the bar ended around 11pm. Alec didn't show up but he didn't expect him to either. They needed to talk. Badly. But what was he gonna say?

Right in that moment his phone vibrated and he picked up without even looking who's calling him. 

" _Hey"_

"Mariah, Hey! How are you, how is the job going? How is Seattle?" He didn't know why but talking to Mariah right now felt immensely right.

 _"It's really great! And Seattle is beautiful! I kinda miss New York tho,not gonna lie"_ Magnus could hear her chuckle at the other line  _"More importantly, how are you doing, Magnus?"_

"Uhm , honestly? I'm confused, I'm doing things I really shouldn't and everything is a bit of a mess right now." Magnus added a laugh to not make him sound too desperate, knowing that she would look right through that anyway.

_"What happened? Tell me everything."_

And he did. He told her every single thing because what did he had to lose? When he was done, he heard Mariah laugh quietly. "What's so funny? I'm in a crisis here, woman"

_"Oh, sweetheart, do me a favor and t a l k  t o  A l e c! I say this from the bottom of my heart, Magnus you are both the biggest idiots to walk this planet, it's time to let the past be the past and see what this could be in the present."_

"This is unusual advice to get from an ex girlfriend but I see your point, I guess."

_"well, I am not your usual ex girlfriend now, am I?"_

Magnus laughed, "No, you most certainly are not."

_"Alright, I gotta go. Take care of yourself and talk t-"_

"Talk to Alec. Yes. I got it. Talk to you soon, bye."

Magnus hangs up with a sigh. He runs his hands through his hair and starts collecting his things so he can get home as quickly as possible.

* * *

"YES! Alright, pay up, Lewis" Izzy yelled at the direction of the kitchen, where Simon is currently getting them some beer. He came walking to the living room with a confused look on his face.

"What? Do I have to pay for my beer now or-"

"Nope, you just lost 50 dollars, thanks for Alec not being able to keep it in his pants."

"Oh come on, dude. I counted on you."

Alec just shrugged it off, not really wanting to talk about it. His mother is incredibly busy with some stuff at her firm so he didn't bring himself to bother her, ergo he hasn't talked to anyone yet. 

"Are you gonna tell us who it was that made you break your stupid pledge or do we have to guess?" Izzy couldn't wipe that smile off of her face even if she tried to. She didn't, she was way too proud of herself.

Alec didn't say anything at first. Are his sister and her boyfriend the kind of people he wanted to talk about with this? Honestly, what other choices did he have? So he took a deep breath and sat up straight, getting their attention, and spoke.

"Magnus. It was Magnus and too much alcohol."

"That's not good." Simon put his beer down, but before he could go on, Izzy cut him off 

"What do you mean? That's very good! Oooh, so is this an official thing, are you back togeth-"

Alec almost choked on his beer, "No no no, that should have never happened. It was a mistake, he just got out of a long-term relationship, I should have been there for him as a friend, not sleep with him and compromising our friendship! This isn't good, Izzy."

Izzy didn't know what to say. 

"Sorry Izzy, I'm with Alec on this, I don't think the timing was ideal. But it would have happened eventually at some point, let's be real."

"What?"

Now Izzy found her voice again, "Oh come on, Alec. You know what they say... Exes only get along if they were never truly in love or still are." she winked at him with a reassuring smile, "You never got over that break-up, I know that. Hey, why did you break up with him anyway, you never told me?"

Alec noticed how his hands started to sweat and he struggled to find words. "Because... Because I thought it was the right thing to do. I was 22, I was under the impression I had other things to worry about, so when it got too serious, I broke it off. Focused on school and my career."

"I mean, it worked. You're doing great at work."

Izzy rolled her eyes, "Of course he's doing great at work, he's Alec! You could have easily handled both things, this is just your abandonment issues and anxiety talking. Alec, do me a favor, take some time and think about why you really broke up with Magnus. And how that affected your life, right up to this moment."

"Oh, and talk to Magnus. I have a feeling he needs it just as much as you do." Simon gave him a reassuring smile.

"Yeah, you're right, I'll do that. I guess." Alec got up and headed towards his room.

_Oh God, what did I get myself into?_

He closed the door behind him, sat down in front of his mirror, and tried to focus, when his phone vibrated in his pocket. 

A text. 

From Magnus. Of course. 

_Hey. Are you free tomorrow night? I need to talk to you._

Great. This is happening.

He quickly replied that he's free tomorrow night and that he'll come over to his apartment around 7pm. 

He threw his phone on top of his bed and ran his hands through his hair. What was he supposed to say anyway?

_Hey, sorry I slept with you when I really shouldn't, but I'm still madly in love with you._

This could mess up everything. After all, having him as a friend is still better than not having him at all. He laid back on the floor and thought about all the things Izzy told him to think about, and came to a conclusion. Now he just had to hope that this wouldn't come back to bite him in the ass. 


	12. 12.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait!!  
> Magnus and Alec finally have the long anticipated talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This entire fic is all over the place and at this i just wanna finish it, so expect a few more chapters to wrap it up and then we finally made it!!

  
  
It's been 23 minutes since Alec got out of the cab.  
  
He's been standing in front of Magnus' apartment building for 23 minutes, scared of what's about to happen once he entered. Things will be different, that's for sure.  
  
 _Alright, i got this, apologize, let him do most of the talking and hope things will get back to how they were as fast as possible._ He kept repeating this sentence in his head as he is approaching Magnus frontdoor.  
Hesitant but firm, he knocks on the door. It opens way too fast, letting Alec to believe Magnus was waiting and just as nervous as he was. He does not know if this is a good or bad thing.  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"Hi Magnus, listen I-" Magnus cut him off before he could even start his rehearsed apology, "Alec, don't. Let's sit down first and let me talk alright? Calm down." "Alright."  
Alec was everything but calm. He took off his jacket, and sat down on one of the chairs in the dining room. Magnus sat down opposite of him and took a deep breath.  
  
"Okay. First things first: You didn't do anything you have to apologize for. I know you, and you probably have an entire monologue rehearsed, but i can tell you, everything is fine, alright?"  
Alec can't stop the small smile that is forming on his face even if he tried. Magnus really knew him. Why he ever thought he'd find someone else who could even come close is beyond him right now. "Oh, well...yeah. I did. For what it's worth, I am sorry though.  You are my best friend and you're going through a lot right now I have no idea what i was thinking and I hope we can just-" he swallowed hard. He didn't want this but he knew that was probably the best idea "-I hope we can just forget that this night ever happened. There was a lot of alcohol involved and we are both not in a great mental state right now so...let's say this didn't mean anything and move on."  
  
Silence. Alec couldn't read Magnus' face at all. He debated wether or not he should keep talking but then Magnus looked at him, almost hurt, and openend his mouth.  
  
"It didn't mean nothing. At least not to me. And I can't just 'move on' from this, not with everything going on. I wish I could tell you, what is going on inside my head right now, what has been going on inside my head ever since Mariah left, but I can't even explain it to myself, I am beyond confused and messed up and it's driving me insane. All I know is, that I-" he got up and walked towards the window. It's like he was trying to find the rights words while at the same time he still wasn't sure if he should even tell Alec.  
  
 _Please tell me you're in love with me. Please tell me you still have feelings for me. Please tell me something along those lines so I don't feel like a complete idiot._ Alec was trying to stop the selfish voice inside of his head and got up as well. He walked towards Magnus and as he was about to say something Alec just couldn't hold it together anymore. "I'm still in love with you. Or again. I don't know. And I know i shouldn't tell you this, this is not helping you or our friendship at all but I just need you to know that-" before he could finish his sentence Magnus kissed him. He kissed him to make him stop talking, he kissed him to say all the things he couldn't using his words.  
  
As their lips parted, Alec looked at him in sheer disbelief."So...what now?"   
  
  
                                                                                                                            Magnus POV  
  
"I have no idea."  
  
They both started laughing hysterically. Maybe because stress just fell off of them. Maybe because this seems like an unsolvable mess. Magnus doesn't know.  
  
"I'm not quite sure if this a good or bad thing to be honest. I need to figure some shit out before th-"  
  
"What shit? We already got this out in the open, so...let's just put all our cards on the table. At this point, what is the worst that could happen?" Alec said as he sat back down and gestured to Magnus to sit down as well.  
He really meant that. And maybe this wasn't a terrible idea. So he sat down, took a deep breath and just started talking.  
  
"Alright. Full truth?"  
  
Alec nodded.  
  
"You hurt me. Badly. When you left me the first time. I know you were young, we both were. Yet I was convinced I had found the person I would spend the rest of my life with. So when you started to distance yourself from me and eventually left me without even giving me an explantion, I've never felt more lost, more broken. I was so determined to keep you in my life that i never dealt with any of this built up anger and sadness and my feelings for you and after Mariah left and after what she said it all came rushing back. So if I wanna sort out all of this I need to know why. I need you to tell me why you left. I need you to tell me what the hell is wrong with me that everything I d-"  
  
"Nothing." Alec reached for his hands and when Magnus looked up he saw tears in his eyes. "Absolutely nothing is wrong with you. I swear. Magnus you are the best thing that ever happened to me and I fucked it up. This was my fault, not yours."

At this point both of them have tears running down their faces. "But why?"

"Because I was afraid. There was so much happening in my life I got so stressed out that my anxiety kicked in harder than ever, I was a mess and I couldn-"

"Why did you never tell me that? You never talked to me about things like this, I didn't even know you had anxiety for God's sake!"

"I know and I'm so sorry, I should have told you but I didn't. No one knows, if that makes you feel better. Besides my mum. Anyway, I was having anxitey attack after anxiety attack and I thought I couldn't take it anymore and for whatever reason I thought that ending things with you and focusing on school and work would be the best option. In retrospect the best option would have been to just tell you and let you help me but I didn't and I fucked it all up. I wish I could go back in time and undo this but I can't so I thought this is it. And when you met Mariah i thought I lost all my chances that I possibly could have left. She was amazing and so good to you, she was everything for you I couldn't be and she was everything you deserved." His voice cracked during that last sentence. Magnus was just staring at him now. He has a hard time processing all of this and tried to stop himself from crying.

He looked at Alec and started to notice that he had trouble breathing. "Woah, hey, are you ok? You need some water? Air? Everything is fine Alec, look at me" He stood up and walked around the table. He took Alec's face in his face and did his best to stop him from hyperventilating.   
After a few minutes he seemed to have calmed down.

"Fuck, I'm sorry."

"Oh well, if this entire situation isn't reason for an anxiety attack, I don't know what is."

That got a small smile from Alec and Magnus was glad he was feeling better already.

"What are we gonna do now?" Alec seemed so lost. He just poured his heart out and showed himself more vulnerable than Magnus has ever seen him. Magnus would love to just be alone right now and process all of this and sort this into the enormous puzzle of emotions inside of him to figure out what to do, but how is he supposed to get that across without sounding rude?

"Okay. You still have feelings for me, I still have feelings for you, there is a lot to think about-"

"We should both take a step back, look at the situation and sort our crap out individually, i think."

Magnus thanked any possible God that Alec voiced this concern. "Yes. Absolutely, let's do that. We will talk tomorrow and figure out how we continue this...okay?

"Yes. Perfect."

Alec seemed relieved and got up to leave, "Alright, I'll see you tomorrow." he gave Magnus a small but honest smile and headed towards the door.

Alec POV

The entire cab ride home, Alec stared out of the car window, completely lost in thoughts.

Out of all the things that could have happened today, this was the one possibility he least expected to happen. He buried all hope to ever be with Magnus again, ever, and now there seems to be a slight ray of hope. He hasn't felt this stressed out but alive and happy at the same time in forever.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this was okay, leave some feedback and criticism please, thank you :)


End file.
